I've started to write several times over the last two months, and never quite managed to complete a post. They sounded whingy and whiny to me, and thats not me. Well, not usually, but today I think I have whined all day.
This week, as every other week, has been hugely challenging, trying to juggle so many hospital appointments, school things and work. I have to work there is no option, but even if I didn't, I still can not physically split myself in three. That and the massive financial burden I have, not helped by the extortionate fee I have just had to pay for a full psychological assessment for Abigail. So why did I do that?
Abigail has significant issues and at the multi-agency meeting it was agreed this report was needed, even though I have to pay for it, and it was expensive, and it was not available on the NHS. So, two weeks ago I poddled along to meet this chap and we spent the day with him, where he ran through a full battery of assessments with Abigail. At the beginning of the assessment he did mention that she had an almost abnormally high score on a visual perception test - 96%, its uncommon. Having assessed and tested her with what appears to be everything, he concluded that she is not dyspraxic, nor dyslexsic, although her home score was very high for ADHD it did not match across settings and therefore felt to be more of her significant sensory issues, she has low self esteem and low self confidence and she has some significant social issues, but then having assessed her for Aspergers syndrome she came out with a score of over 90, which to the layman means there is a very definite probability thats what the difficulty is, she isn't even borderline. Now, I just have to hope that the 4 pages of recommendations, including regular psychological input is actually taken up by the NHS.
I've spent a couple of days really beating myself up about it. I know that I have not helped, at all, with her self-esteem and self-confidence, but I didn't (and still don't) know what it is I'm dealing with. You don't get any training for this, its all fly by the seat of your pants and I have definitely made mistakes, but I have to draw the line, be philosophical and say tomorrow we begin again. I am a single parent with three children who have complex needs, I can't do it all and we shall have to settle for being good enough, not the best.
This was all then made worse by a text row, sad but true, with my ex-husband who I can not bear to speak to, although to be fair the feeling is mutual. Having discovered he had a pretty large bonus and failed to increase his maintenance payments, it irritated me a little. So upon have some irritating comments from him along the lines of why should he work his ass off to give me 25% I let him have it, really let him have it. Having told him in no uncertain terms where his money goes and that it really doesn't even cover half of the childrens upkeep I suggest he winds his neck right in. To get the reply that if its any consolation he's "sorry" for everything. SORRY? SORRY? Sorry does not begin to cover the vileness I have been through at his hands, or how he has behaved towards his own children. I pointed out to him, that sorry wont cure his son of Leukaemia that could potentially take his life, it wont cure his daughter and it wont fix his other son who had a stroke before birth. Seriously, sorry? He walked away from his son knowing he had Leukaemia and never looked back, even telling me not to let him know when he was ill, there are no words to describe this. Yet today, tells me he didn't realise how bad things were. I can't fathom this at all, but at the end of it, I don't even feel pleased that I let rip at him, I feel annoyed with myself that I let myself be provoked and not good about it at all.
But, it now leaves me with another problem, now he is asking for access for about the 10th time in two years. Its unlikely that it will ever happen, but he is a risk and I will not allow unsupervised access. The children should have every right to see him if they wish, even though I feel it will undo all the progress I have made with them. I am careful to never be negative around them, but I am scared about letting him back into their lives, he is not a positive influence and could do so much damage. What to do? One for another day I think.
